Pros and Cons of Merit

I’m supposed to be writing a paper about manifest destiny. I should be

But instead, I’m listening to Evan Weiss sing about the liquor my older friends bought

This is when I stopped to think about choosing a different font

I’ve heard that people say nothing Gold can stay

Although, I have to disagree

I have seen with my own two eyes and felt with my own two hands that years can pass without a second going by

How else do you explain all of us

We sat down in our city like made men and made jokes and reminisced and dreamed up new memories

And it was just like it always was, except this time it was different

When the hourglass emptied, no one stayed the night

We got in our cars and all headed home, except me, not me

There was no home to go home to

But I still call it home, and that’s funny, but it’s true

You like it, and I do, too

I didn’t want my parents to leave in the same way that they didn’t want me to leave

But it wasn’t my place to say, and they had worked for that right

My grandfather fought his war, my father fought his war, and I fought mine

Mine was not as physically demanding, but it was longer, and it was mentally exhausting

It might go on, I don’t think I care to

But that is what you have to do, I guess, when it’s passed down through birth

“What a relief I’m not in high school anymore”

That’s something you say when you’re 19 and your older friends buy you liquor

And they let you throw up in their house and break their front window

But that’s not what you say when you’re 34 and we buy our own liquor

And we get home at a decent hour and we only stay for one night

One night, it’s a nice sunset, but they got nice sunsets everywhere, kid

So I fly like a bird, grow like a tree, out on that island.

WW

It was cold that night we left… I could see my breath, I remember that.

By Greenbank Park, Kirkwood Highway… a conversation that I never wanted to have. I can’t express what it wound up meaning, even if I didn’t see it at the time. It gave me everything, but it took enough.

I flinched first. I will again. It left a gash and I packed it and packed it, but it would never cauterize. I don’t know if it ever will. I don’t know if it should. I don’t know if there’s clarity to be found. I’ve told myself to wait it out. I don’t think I can.

Eight and a half weeks should never mean that much, but sometimes life finds a way, or whatever they say. 13 in, 7 out. This can’t be what it was all for.

I used to make too many edits and changes. I did the last time. I used to be terrified to tell you “I don’t know…” but I found confidence in that. Confidence in myself. That success didn’t happen over night. I don’t know, and likely never will. To me, that’s okay. I held on as tight as I could until I decided I didn’t want to anymore.

But I felt you start to leave… and I thought I had a chance to turn the tables. Did I, though? It couldn’t work that way. It never can. At least I can say that I did it my way, for better or for worse. I still flinched first.

And one more thing…

If we should all cave in I’d like to look you in the eye once just to say that I would have never been enough. And you would have never listened.

WW

Talisman and Tone:

Makes his way to the mouth of the cave just to realize the vacancy was filled for days

The sun now rises in a different place. 

There it was, a battle before the opticals. 

there were 26 servicemen and 10 statesmen. 

that is 26 soldiers and 10 placeholders 

that is 26 shapes that make sound and 10 digits that will run you into the ground. 

This is a tribute to the music never made. 

This is all it ever took to fuel every religion, war, and wage. 

We are here. This is now. I stand at the edge of the cave. 

there were 26 warriors and 10 elders. 

that is 26 soldiers and 10 placeholders 

that is 26 shapes that make sound and 10 digits that will leave you where you’re found. 

-26 contributors – all differing calibers

-some soft – some consonant  

-this is it – this is what makes us. 

The four winds pushed us together

Four feelings pulled us apart

forever reliant on the foundation – that may well be this cave

there were 26 fighters and 10 figures. 

that is 26 soldiers and 10 placeholders 

that is 26 shapes that make sound and 10 digits that will run you into the ground. 

there is nothing perfect – there’s no-one even petitioning.

our cohorts went into the forest from the cave. some will walk out unscathed. 

there are now 25 and 9. I had to take mine.

[T.K. / The Kid / Tex Kavery]

Blue oceans sometimes bluer

Quiet as it’s kept, it’s been quite some time since I’ve tried my best.

This landscape is unfamiliar to me, or should it be that way?
It isn't mine and it will never be mine.
Why would it be?
Sometimes I forget the one I claim. I hate that about myself.
Although, there are times when the wind blows right I can still see it and I can still feel it
What to make of that?
I want to think that I don't know, but I do.
It’s always a little cat, a little mouse. Back and forth.
You see I took every failed interaction over the span of six years and I made them about you.
They all became you.
It was a defense mechanism that my brain developed.
And that's how I know.
All of the interpersonal failures I had, I put them on you.
We failed again and again - it was always your fault.
It always came back to you.
That failure has been fleeting.
What that allowed me to do was weave in and out out of relationships without much hang up.
That was the positive.
The negative was that I was holding on to something.
But that something could never exist, it didn't exist, and it never existed.
I never reached out, we know that.
I used to do something that's embarrassing to admit.
I would drive near where you lived hoping to see your car parked somewhere. 
Maybe I would pretend we were having a chance run in. Like it was random.
I never saw your car, and honestly, I don't remember what kind of car I was looking for.
That's growth, or something similar. I extracted something of value. There is meaning to be found there. You had meaning. Have. You still do.
You’ll always have that over me, fair or not.
But you did something, too. 
You made contact when you had failures.
I was always there, always willing, and I hated myself for that.
I wanted to be that for you. I thought it would lead me to that something I wanted. I needed to feel that.
That's pathetic, but it’s real.
Eventually, though, I wore that with pride. 
I am that constant, not you. I learned something from that. I carry that.
And in that sense, it always came back to me.
The downside for you, though, is that you were also trying to reconnect to something that no longer existed.
In those moments of self-doubt you wanted to transport back to those hallways so I could hand you a poem.
But those poems don't exist, and they never really did. 
Not in the way you want them to exist.
Wait
Wait
I can't determine that for you, it's not my place to say. 
Maybe to you it did exist how you wanted it to. I hope it did, if thats worth anything.
Life is all about perspectives. But here is a fact:
You initiated every time. I'll never really know why.
But I’ll always have that over you, fair or not.
And still…
I sometimes have had this fantasy that throughout the years you had this tab bookmarked and would check from time to time to see if anything here was written about you.
I know that's not true.
That would take real care and patience.
And really, did you think we could ever make something for ourselves?
I've spent over 365 days in other parts of the world.
All roads were leading here one way or another, I truly believe that. You weren’t signing up for this. Despite what the photographs lead you to believe.
You can't turn that type of commitment on and off. 
You have it or you don't
I know this because I lived it.
I spent some of my loneliest days under a scorching Middle Eastern sky.
Lonely nights, too.
Through those times it was never you that I thought about.
I know this because I kept it to myself.
I put my faith into someone else.
You aren't capable of that, I could always tell by your actions.
It wasn't you that plagued my mind.
It wasn't you that I was scared to lose.
No excuses, I prevail.
As much as I had hoped those times would last, they couldn’t.
It was always going to end in a drive-thru.
”It’s not working out.”
I never wanted those words to be true, but they will always be.
I can take that. Look where that led me.
Hope is all you have left, but I'm the last one standing.
That's tough.
Who wants to learn a lesson like that?

- WW always and forever

Four

Four long or short years and another upcoming rotation.

You just kind of start to get that itch again. It’s hard to explain. I was not gifted enough physically to be an athlete competitively, but this…

THIS

this is what I do.

It’s hard to explain.

And eventually, when you’ve invested this much emotion into something over the course of 7 or 8 years, you get the itch for this platform again, too.

It’s just been harder the past four years to really dig deep and find something to say. Call it writers block.

Around six to six and a half years ago we inadvertently started on this journey together. Whether that was right or wrong doesn’t really matter now.

I remember writing on this very page that no matter what, we always wound up in the same place. Be it city, state, country, or continent, that was true. And then it wasn’t. But, that’s never stopped this before.

It really isn’t about just two people. It was something I developed in my brain. Something I cared enough about at the age of 20 to get it permanently inscribed in my skin. Three letters. G-M-K.

Now, I’m on the verge of 27. We all are. Was that tattoo a stupid decision? Maybe. Maybe not. I am not ashamed of it, I can tell you that. It is a beautiful reminder. A reminder that we are only burdened by our memories. It was all perfectly imperfect. Which is truly the only way I can describe myself and those three letters.

There have been times – even recently – where I have been moved to tears because of an old life. Something from that long ago. But it hurts sometimes. Mostly when I’ve had too much to drink. Other times when you hear a song that brings you back.

Honestly, at this point what hurts the most is that most of us are thriving. Thriving. But not all. It’s not really the lack of communication that cuts deep in those moments.

It’s the fact that it never meant that much to you in the first place.

This is a rough draft.

William Wallace

 

 

 

Framing Cities-

Hope that the palpitations put a sudden end to the worm in your heart.

Or, wish for the worm to take complete control.

Find oneself talking through the process of deboarding the aircract.

Speaking to yourself about how you got to your current location.

He’s showing teeth as a defense mechanism.

The wall came down on November 9, 1989; you can still buy a piece for a nickel or a dime.

For the rest I draw a blank.

In the world there are important diagnoses.

And, in a world where dogs barked at their reflections….

…Kings realized what they had before they lost it.

Alpha\ AVERY\ Omega

And Dates

8.1
it seems odd to me,
sitting in chairs you’ve sat in
being out of a stable state of mind
to think, in all of the times you’ve sat there
how many times i probably told you
how much i loved you
and how many of those times
you were too busy on the internet
in this very same chair
odd.

7.2
One year
I lose something close to me, to you
One year ago, today

I wish I could have kept you,
If only to be even with the things of mine that you have kept

And the memories of your bedsheets get harder to push out of my head every night

7.21
Your scent still lingers on my fingertips
Your hairs still turn up in the places where dust have made their beds
And I just want to wish you happy birthday
I hope this one’s better than the last.

8.4
You spent so much time worrying about money.
You can never put prices on how you feel, but
if it’s any consolation,
you can put a price on the death of one,
and you got cut a deal –
$150 a month, utilities included.

8.6
People always say I’m going to die
If I keep smoking like this

I used to cling to you when in need
I needed you most and you turned away

I’ll keep smoking until I die,
The butts of cigarettes will never leave like you did,
They’ll just help me get out quicker

I’m going to die,
I’m going to rot,
I’m going to die,
I’m going

8.9
Loving you was like a coin machine
The return slot always seemed to be out of order

8.11
You took my life full force,
Your grasp screaming,
Like a train pulling into the station,
And placed a bookmark in it

You still haven’t picked up where you left off.

 

NTRVRT

Dates & Dates

8.14.13

I couldn’t bear to see you
being kissed by   someone, anyone
else
Not because of how much      I still love you
But because I know that nobody
    nobody
will ever put the effort that your lips deserve in
and they don’t care
they don’t care,
they don’t care if it isn’t perfect

8.15.13

You could never break my heart
you’ve rebuilt it so many times
you’ve reconstructed every bit of me
you’ve magnetized
every fiber of my being
and now,
you won’t have me back,
but
i’ll never be away from you
no matter how hard I try

    7.29
each morning is a reminder
of how apathetic you are
the cold air that occupies where you slept
and the dust where your toothbrush sat every day
when you rushed out the door, forgetting it completely
i wonder how much you’ve forgotten,
i wonder if you’ve forgotten all the times i was there for you,
the constant rides to the hospital,
before you lived here,
when you still remembered how much i did
just to take care of you,
you probably remember,
but you won’t dare show it

8.3
I have fallen in and out of love
so many times,
that I can’t figure out who’s going to stand by me
and who’s just here for the next few months
I have fallen in and out of love
so many times,
that I can’t figure out where I belong,
or who with
I have fallen in and out of love with you so many times,
and I hate you every day for it,
but not ever as much as I loved you for the same reason,
I have fallen in and out of love with you so many times,
and I still can hear your voice echo in the hall,
making sure I was getting ready to go to work for the day,
I have fallen in and out of love with you so many times,
and I can still feel your fingers,
filling the space between mine,
holding on as if for life itself,
skin like paper mâché, held together by glue and tears,
I have fallen in and out of love with you so many times,
and I can’t help but feel upset when I still find pieces of clothing and jewelry of yours in a room that we put together,
the cameras we watched life through hanging on the wall by their straps,
I have fallen in and out of love with you so many times,
that I don’t know if I can take knowing that you’re out there somewhere, and I’m forced to move on without you, the light gone from my eyes,
and I have fallen in and out of love with you so many times,
that I’m going to leave this bedroom door open,
and sit here until you come home,
the bed waiting for you,
just like it always was

NTRVRT

With an E

We can’t all be carpenters
We can’t all be carpenters, you know.
I was born of a working man,
So therefore, I work.
This is about blue collar, not art
This is about strength and power before grace and style
But you know I got style
I was born of a working man
This is about the power, not the grammar
This is about whiskey with an “e”, and nothing more
This is about the point, not the critique
This is always always always about life as a whole, and never never never about a single person
Not even you
Or you
This is about every penny earned from a paycheck and not about what you think you are entitled to
And I will surely never enjoy the spoils of true rich men but you can believe me when I tell you I still feast like a KING.

WW – BraveHeart – the Midwest Magician

Without Hold

These tired hands
   have lost hold of  so much
Grips loosened    by the second
Dropped bottles,
               glasses,
and now,
               yours

NTRVRTXIII